“What’s your intention for your relationship?” << That’s one of the first questions I ask my clients.
If I could sprinkle pixie dust on your relationship to make it perfect, whether it’s with your spouse or child, what does that perfect look like, for you?
Because if you reeeaallly want to change things, it just won’t be possible if your actions are sabotaging it.
When it comes to parenting, it’s much easier to say yes, of course, we want to have a peaceful and connected relationship. We want our kids to love us and even look up to us.
But when it comes to our spouse, I know it can be hard to let down your guard.
Declaring that my intention was for my marriage to work felt like another heavy burden when it already seemed as though I’d been carrying all of them anyway. It made it feel like I was responsible when I *knew* it was all his fault.
I was stubborn, resentful, and angry. I didn’t want to add anything else to my load. I just wanted him to be better.
The problem is, though, that nothing would actually change. It couldn’t get better or worse because I was in this place with no destination in mind. I was still perusing the travel sites, thinking I’d just know when I found the perfect resort.
I felt like I was a victim of circumstance. I couldn’t do anything but let life play out. It was up to him to grow up.
Imagine your marriage right now as this huge island. There are two big ferries at the dock. One takes you to the next island over, and rumor is that people are throwing back fruity drinks while dancing together to Jimmy Buffett tunes over there. The other takes you to single life. [Insert your vision of single life here.]
Nothing’s going to happen until YOU decide which boat to board. The relationship’s scenery just isn’t gonna improve.
Our problems happen on this island because we’ve made all the boarding decisions that got us there. We’ve co-created this current dynamic just by the thousands of choices & interactions that put us together on the boat that took us here in the first place.
So now if you want to change things, you have to co-create something new, and you can’t do that until you take decisive action.
The first step to changing a marriage from conflict junkyard to partnership paradise is making the choice of which boat to board: The SS Partnership or The HMS Whole Bed To Myself.
Because I promise you chances are really good they’ll come running after you with bags packed once you walk decisively in a new direction.
Which ticket are you ready to buy?