I see this question all of the time. While we all wait patiently for Dr. Shefali’s relationship book, here are some basic thoughts when it comes to knowing if it’s the right time to end your marriage. I also recommend that all of my clients read “Quantum Love” by Dr. Laura Berman, especially if they are having relationship issues with their partner. Her work is a great resource filled with the science (quantum physics) behind love. It is a MUST READ.
1. Marriage is just “form”. It’s unrealistic to make a vow expecting two people to never change. PEOPLE CHANGE. Marriage itself is a construct that our culture has created and, unfortunately, made life a little more difficult if we’re not in one. If you didn’t meet your mate when you were at least a little bit more evolved, there’s a good chance you are reading this now because you HAVE now evolved and your partner has not kept up.
2. Release him/her from ALL expectations and just do you. We mistakenly think that we can expect others to fill a role – husband or father. We expect them to live up to our fantasy of them. Let go of your fantasy, of the “but he should”, “he needs to”, etc. RELEASE YOUR PARTNER FROM ALL OF YOUR EXPECTATIONS.
3. If the relationship goes toxic (or already is), leave. This includes abuse in all forms. LEAVE.
4. If you are honoring yourself and he doesn’t fit in with that, leave. Meaning, if you can’t spread your wings to grow, leave.
5. If the benefits of being married outweigh being single but you are still aware that the relationship is no longer serving you, it’s okay to stay, as long as you hold on to this awareness and it’s not toxic (see step 3).
6. Have you disconnected long ago? Now is the time to reconnect, but this has nothing to do with him/her. This is about YOU. What energy are you in when you’re with them? Are you in low frequency ego (hate, shame, guilt, fear, regret)? Or high frequency love (joy, bliss, hopefull)? Change your energy first and THEN they will entrain to you (match your energy). Don’t leave your non-toxic marriage before reading Quantum Love by Dr. Laura Berman.
7. You need to work on you and nurturing your spirit. No one can do that for you. NO ONE CAN MEET YOUR NEEDS BUT YOU. Do things that you have always enjoyed/felt passionate about. Happiness comes from WITHIN, not your situation, so he shouldn’t hold you back from being happy at all – that is all you. Again, please read Quantum Love by Dr. Laura Berman. MEDITATE DAILY.
8. No matter what, the decision to leave should be a spiritual one. A vibration you feel so strongly that you must go. It shouldn’t be a decision you think about and analyze. If you are fully in the high frequency of love, then you will simply be repulsed by their behavior and start to move away. You will know exactly when their unconscious behavior is so repulsive that it is time to go.
9. If he hasn’t embraced his inner adult yet, you can’t make him. You can only inspire him through your actions, your growth, and most importantly, your energy. You can’t change him. If he’s not changing, if you cannot accept that perhaps you are the one doing everything, then you can leave. Make sure you have completed steps 6 and 7 first.
10. Embrace your inner adult. Heal your childhood wounds (usually through therapy or, again Quantum Love has some tools to help guide you through the process), and let the adult self come forth. The Adult Self is the one that says the dog needs a walk, he’s not taking him, she’s not taking him, therefore I need to take him. The Adult Self is the one that sees the dishes are dirty and washes them. The Adult Self is the one that tidies the house and themselves. We know as parents that it’s imperative we model this behavior. Ask yourself, “What would I want my son or daughter to do in this situation?” Remember that the person you attracted is a mirror to help YOU grow. When you see something you don’t like in them, take a minute to look inward and see if it’s actually something about YOU that needs to grow.