Have you always wondered what boundaries really are and how to hold them with your family?
In this six-part series on the University of Alchemy, I address six common mistakes most people make when setting boundaries. It answers the questions:
1. What are boundaries?
2. How do I hold a boundary?
3. What boundaries should I hold with my kids?
4. Why don’t they listen when I enforce them?
5. Why do I feel guilty when I hold them?
6. Why do people keep violating my boundaries?
I wanted to do what’s best for my child when it came to setting limits, but I had to rely on research to figure out what was healthy because I knew what I was shown wasn’t it.
The old authoritarian parenting paradigm leaves us ill-prepared to instill healthy boundaries because it was based on violating ours.
Even the emotion of anger, which alerts us to a personal boundary violation, was rejected— or expressed onto us by parents whose own needs weren’t getting met.
I’m passionate about helping others with setting boundaries and holding limits because they are the foundation for how we consciously relate to ourselves and others.
Learn more about:
🖤 our own personal boundaries with our partners and others
🖤 what limits to hold and how with children
🖤 what children need to be able to hold their own healthy limits as adults
🖤 what to do when our spouse violates a boundary
And more! Please join my tribe of wise creatives who are champions for children here.
Mistake #1: They Don’t Even Realize They CAN Hold Them
Because the old authoritarian parenting paradigm violated our boundaries as children,
we may not even realize that we have a right to move away from behavior that violates
our physical, emotional, intellectual, sexual, material, and time boundaries.
Mistake # 2: They Think A Boundary Means They Should Withdraw Love
Holding limits when others violate our personal boundaries teaches them how to love
us. It doesn’t mean that we have to end relationships or storm off when they’re
violated, it means that we clearly set expectations, communicate when their behavior
crosses our limit, and move away from continued boundary-violating behavior.
Mistake #3: They Create Too Many For Their Kids
Boundaries should teach kids how to love themselves. They can boil down to four basic
boundaries. They are: Respect for Self, Others, Our Things/Space, and our Mind.
This means that we hold limits for things like bedtime, brushing our teeth, tidying up
after ourselves, school/higher learning, fighting, and more. When their behavior
doesn’t affect their health or well-being, we allow natural consequences to teach.
We control the conditions when it comes to things like screens or food, not the child.
Mistake #4: They Don’t Model The Boundary
Everything we want to teach our children or experience from those around us, we must
first model. A parent that doesn’t tidy up after themselves cannot enforce a boundary
with their kids to tidy up after themselves. Likewise, a parent that doesn’t speak
respectfully to their child cannot enforce a boundary when their child speaks
disrespectfully to them.
Mistake #5: They Don’t Energetically Hold The Boundary
Part of understanding boundaries is understanding that we have an energetic
boundary line. Hold your arm straight out and find where your fingertips end. Now
imagine an oval that distance from your body all the way around it. When someone
violates our personal boundary and we feel angry, that emotional energy should be
channeled into our boundary, making it stronger, rather than expressed onto them,
also violating their own boundaries. Keeping this energetic boundary prevents us from
feeling the emotional energy of others as our own.
Mistake #6: They Don’t Set Expectations
Sharing how, when, and why we’ll show up allows others to understand what we need
from, and can give to, them. Without this information, it could be easy for them to
violate a boundary without even realizing it.
Will you dive in deeper with me on this? I really want you to begin to understand boundary setting and limit holding so you can begin to make courageous change in your marriage or parent without anxiety. Please come join me in my online course, Getting the Love You Deserve. You can take it at your own pace and if you want to do more work, sign up for my signature course, The Authentic Life. Please read my book, The Authentic Wife to learn more about my journey to saving my marriage without marriage counseling. Your kids are depending on you to model healthy boundary holding so they can thrive as adults. CLICK HERE TO SIGN UP NOW, it’s only $27 so you have nothing to lose!
-Beth Rowles | Family Alchemist™️